There are blessings in every situation.

Being that October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, I've decided to share my story. This is kind of difficult for me to write, but I feel like it will also be kind of therapeutic to get it out, so here goes...

WARNING: I go into detail so if you have a weak stomach or are easily upset, please don't read this.

At the start of May this year, we were on our way back from Orlando and I felt this strange pressure on my lower abdomen from the seatbelt. The seatbelt wasn't tight or anything, it was just uncomfortable. I remember thinking that it was strange and that I had only felt anything like it when I was pregnant with Lachlan. I tried to dismiss the thought because I hadn't noticed any other symptoms and I'd had symptoms from really early on with my first pregnancy. But then I remembered that I'd had heartburn a few times in the past week, which I'd only ever had during pregnancy. And of course, I'd been emotional for a couple weeks, but I had chalked that up to the fact that I had recently stopped breastfeeding and had figured my hormones were a little out of whack from my milk drying up.
I bought a couple of tests and took one that night, not really expecting to see two lines. It was eight o'clock at night after all. So I was shocked when I saw two dark lines staring back at me, within seconds of taking the test!
I ran upstairs to tell Anthony and the first thing he said was "why are you crying?" I hadn't even realized I was crying and all I could manage to say was "I don't know"
He just smiled at me and turned to Lachlan and said "you're going to be a big brother, bud!"

The next morning, I woke up and tested again to be sure and again I burst into tears when I saw those two lines, but this time out of sheer joy and excitement, rather than shock. The love I already had for that beautiful baby inside of me was nothing short of amazing.
I called the OBGYN and was told that they won't do a pregnancy intake appointment without proof of pregnancy, so I found a clinic that would do a pregnancy test and made an appointment for that same day. I got my proof of pregnancy and was told to go back the next week for a dating scan, seeing as my dr didn't take appointments until 9 weeks.

We decided that day to tell our parents, which made it seem all the more real. Of course they were as over the moon as we were. Within days, my morning sickness had started and was getting worse by the day, so after much deliberating, we decided to make the announcement that next week, because with as sick as I was, there was no way we could keep it a secret.
Even though my morning sickness was horrible, it wasn't nearly as bad as it was with Lachie and my boobs barely hurt, whereas they were almost too sore to wear a bra with my first pregnancy. I told myself that it was a different pregnancy, so my symptoms were bound to be different, but I couldn't help but worry that something was wrong. I tried my best to stay positive, I pushed any negative thoughts to the back of my mind and focused on the love that was growing inside of me and my excitement to be able to experience again all that indescribable joy that I had experienced when Lachlan was born. I was so excited that Lachlan would have a little brother just a little less than two years younger than him, everything seemed so perfect!

By 8 weeks, I had started to have mild dizzy spells, and at 8 1/2 weeks, on a Monday morning, I woke up so dizzy that I could barely walk. I was scared to lift Lachlan and ended up having the sister missionaries come and sit with me for a few hours, so I wouldn't be home alone in case something happened.
The next day, on June 4th I woke up in a panic from a dream that I had gone to the bathroom and was bleeding heavily. I told myself that it was just a dream, but couldn't shake the feeling that I had had that dream for a reason, that I was being prepared for bad news.
The next night, on June 5th, I went to the bathroom before bed and noticed that I had light brown spotting when I wiped. I tried to tell myself that it was normal, lots of people spotted when they were pregnant, but it didn't calm me down. I ended up calling my mum in tears and I honestly can't even remember the conversation, all I remember is that she made me feel better. My mum has a real knack for that.

Thursday morning (June 6th) I was still spotting so I called the doctor and was told not to worry unless it was bright red and as heavy as a period and was put on bed rest until that coming Monday, which was when my first appointment was scheduled for.
I stayed in bed all day, except for obviously going to the bathroom, and by that night had mild cramping, which honestly scared the crap out of me.

By Friday morning, the cramping and spotting had stopped and I still had morning sickness, although, not as bad as it had been, but I was 9 weeks pregnant by that point and I tried to convince myself that it was tapering off and everything was okay, after all, the bleeding and cramping was gone. I stayed on rest all day, but around 1pm, I needed to go to the bathroom, so I stood up and I felt something come out of me. I turned to Ant and said "honey, we just lost the baby"
Then I felt a huge gush of blood. My whole body went numb and my ears started ringing so loud that I couldn't hear anything else. Anthony helped me to the bathroom where I found myself reliving that nightmare that I had just a few nights before, only this time it wasn't just a bad dream, it was real life. There was blood everywhere and then I saw the thing that I had felt pass just moments earlier. It was a huge clot, the size of the palm of my hand. I had never seen anything like it before and didn't know any better, so I thought it was the amniotic sac with the baby inside (in reality it was just a mother freaking huge clot). I screamed out to Ant and completely lost it. I don't even remember him coming into the room, all I remember is him holding me. Neither of us said a word, we didn't have to, he knew what I needed was to be held, so he held me tighter than I've ever been held before, while I sobbed my heart out.

Then the physical pain started, it was like being in labour, just before you get to the point that you can't talk through the contractions, only the pain was localized to my lower abdomen and lower back, rather than my whole belly and back, I guess because my uterus was still so much smaller and lower.

I called my mum and woke her, I think it was about 3:30 in the morning Australia time, so I felt guilty waking them up, but I just needed my mum so bad and of course, she didn't mind being woken up. I don't even think I could talk at first, I just cried and cried. I felt so helpless.
Mum asked if she could message my friend Karen to come give me a hug on her behalf seeing as she couldn't be there herself, so Karen came as soon as she could and stayed with me most of the afternoon into the evening.

My OBGYN had closed by the time I tried calling them and I didn't have their emergency number, so I called a friend who works for another OBGYN and I practically begged her to tell me that I didn't have to go to the hospital. She ended up telling me that I technically should, but if I really don't want to, then to keep my eye out for certain symptoms (like a fever, nausea, vomiting, severe pain, etc) and if I had any of those, to go straight to the ER.
The pain just kept getting worse and I kept passing huge clots, so I had started to figure out that what I had passed earlier was just a huge freaking clot and not the baby.
At around 10pm, the cramps were almost unbearable and I felt like I needed to poo. I went to the bathroom and tried, but couldn't. A few minutes later, I got another really bad cramp (I guess technically they were contractions), I went back to the bathroom and just sat on the toilet for a few minutes, then I felt something pass that felt much bigger than any of the other clots. I looked into the toilet and saw the whole amniotic sac, in tact with my perfect baby inside.
I honestly can't even describe the pain I felt at that moment. My heart had just been ripped out of my chest, I felt destroyed. I felt as though all the love, all the excitement, all the hopes and dreams we had for that baby were gone. It was so final and I didn't know why.

But then I realized something. God can use even the worst situations for good. Even though I may never know the temporal reason for losing my baby, I knew that my Heavenly Father would bring some good out of this. I knew that through this experience, I would be able to help somebody through a similar situation. Even though I was hurting worse than I thought possible, I could see the blessings that would come from my pain.
The following days were the worst of my life. Everyone knew I had been pregnant, so those that didn't know what happened were asking how the baby was and I had to try to find the words to explain what had happened. Thankfully, I had Anthony by my side to explain to people when I couldn't talk through my tears and to catch me when I felt myself crumbling into a heap.

And then it started, although meaning well, people just kept saying all the wrong things.
If you are reading this, I beg of you, if you ever know anyone who has a miscarriage, no matter the circumstance, please just love them, hug them, give them your condolences and most importantly, pray for them.
Don't even think about saying anything that begins with the words "at least..."
"At least you weren't further along"
"At least it wasn't your first pregnancy"
"At least you didn't have to have a D & C"
"At least you know you can get pregnant" (yes someone actually said this to me!!)
Don't compare their situation to someone else's.
Don't tell them it could have been worse.
It doesn't matter how far along a woman is in her pregnancy. It doesn't matter if it was her first pregnancy or her twenty first. It doesn't matter if someone else's story seems worse to you. What matters is that she is  going through one of the most heartbreaking times of her life. She is grieving. She feels broken. She needs love. She needs support.
And please please don't bring up trying again. I can't even tell you the amount of people who told me that I was young enough to try again. I just had I miscarriage, the last thing I wanted to think about was getting pregnant again.
And please don't assume that just because you see her smiling a couple weeks later that she is ok, chances are, she is feeling just as broken as she was before, she has just gotten better at hiding it and putting on a brave face.

Just over a month after this all happened, on July 10th, we were getting ready to move house and my cycle hadn't returned to normal so I decided to take a pregnancy test. I was terrified. I wanted so badly to be pregnant, but at the same time, I didn't. I didn't want another pregnancy, I just wanted to still be pregnant from before. I didn't want to see two lines on the test, because the thought of going through this all over again scared the life out of me, but I also didn't want to see just one line, because that would mean that these past five weeks really happened and I really wasn't pregnant anymore.
I held my breath and took another test. This time, I couldn't sit there and watch for the lines to appear, I placed it on the counter and cried with my head in my hands, not knowing what the test was reading. After about 5 minutes, I brought myself to look at it. There was only one line. Negative. My heart broke all over again.

Over the next few days, I felt like I was grieving all over again, but this time, I felt like I had to hide it. Everyone that was close to me was acting like it never happened, so I felt like I had to too. On the night of July 13th, I had this niggling feeling that I should test again, if we weren't moving in just two days, I would have ignored this feeling, but I had to be 100% sure so that I didn't lift anything too heavy or strain in a way that could cause problems. I woke up at about 5 o'clock the next morning and took a test. There were two lines within seconds!  The spectrum of emotions I felt were just baffling to me. I was happy that I was carrying yet another beautiful baby, I was sad for the loss of my last pregnancy, I was terrified of what might happen, I was immediately in love with the baby and I felt like I had to protect him/her no matter what, but most of all, I felt helpless. Like no matter what, I couldn't control what would happen, I could be healthy for myself and the baby, I could wrap myself in cotton wool until March, but if anything was going to happen, I couldn't stop it. It all amounted to a surreal feeling of numbness.

A lot of people seem to assume that because I'm pregnant again, I have somehow replaced the baby I lost, or that I am okay now. Oh how wrong they are. Another pregnancy doesn't magically heal the pain of a miscarriage.
These past few months have been beyond stressful. I catch myself constantly going to the bathroom to check for blood. I have spotted multiple times. I freak out at every little ache and pain and I read into every symptom more than I should. At my 14 week appointment, it took well over 10 minutes for the midwife to find the heartbeat with the doppler because the baby was moving around so much and I ended up in tears by the time she found it.
I have felt the baby move, but there are still times where I will go long periods of time where I can't feel anything, because baby is still so small and those times freak me out so much more than they should. I am so thankful to have my faith and testimony of the gospel, because without it, I know I would have lost the plot. I would be a total basket case.

Thankfully, I have been blessed with the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. I am blessed to have a husband who holds the priesthood and was able to give me a blessing for comfort and to help me on my path to healing. I am not going to lie, I still hurt, I still cry, but I take comfort in my Heavenly Father's plan of happiness. It is a wonderful thing to know that families are forever, that our children are sealed to us for all of eternity. I am so thankful to know that I WILL hold that baby in my arms one day, my baby will join our family, whether it be in this earthly life at a later date, or in the eternities. My baby was not taken from me, it just wasn't the right time. Even though I hurt from losing a pregnancy and losing the time I thought I had with my baby, I now know that I haven't actually lost my baby, God's plan for his or her life is just not what we all thought it would be, or at least, not in the timing we thought it would be.

Our munchkin and how he got here...

I went in for my 39 week check up Tuesday February 21st, and after I did the usual routine of peeing in a cup, blood pressure, getting weighed, I went into the exam room and got changed into the super attractive gown, only to have the dr come in, retest my BP and tell me that it was high, so she sent me to l&d to be monitored. The Dr. said that if it didn't go back down, then I would have to be induced that afternoon, which happened to be my niece's 10th birthday!

We got to the hospital at around 4:30 and they hooked me up to a fetal monitor and Bp machine. After 2 hours my Bp was normal (thank goodness! I did NOT want to be induced!) but I was having contractions 2-3 minutes apart.  I could barely feel them (I thought I was just crampy from having a pelvic exam earlier in the day) My cervix was still very high and the baby was so low that they couldn't even find my cervix so they said it would be about 3 days and to go home. They put me on bed rest and said to come in if the contractions got so bad I couldn't talk through them.

By the time we got in the car, they had started to get stronger but I convinced myself that it was my imagination because I was aware of them now. Nope, they kept getting stronger. By 8:30pm they were 1.5min apart and lasting a full minute, I could talk through them but was so distracted by the pain that my sentences weren't coming out properly. Well that's what I thought, everyone else said I couldn't talk through them. Everyone was telling me to go back in but I refused until my mum finally convinced me to at 10:30.

My mother-in-law called the hospital and they told her to bring me back in, so I had Anthony give me a blessing, we grabbed my hospital bags and the rubbish bin from the bathroom (I was sure I was going to vomit from the pain!) and we headed in.

My cervix was still very high but had dropped just enough to tell  that I was dilated to 2cm. After 2 hours, there was barely any change in my cervix but because the contractions were so strong and close they gave me a shot to help me sleep. It didn't help with the pain but I was sleeping through the 90second break between contractions. Each time the nurse checked me, she pulled my cervix down to try and get it moving for me.

By 5am I was still only 3cm but the contractions increased to 30 seconds apart so she checked again at 5:30 and I was 6cm! 

6:30 I was an 8 so she called the midwife. My waters still hadn't broken by 7 and I was at 9cm so she broke them for me. Within about a minute, I had the overwhelming urge to push, but the midwife and nurses were nowhere to be seen! I remember saying "I gotta push, I really gotta push!" and Karen disappeared. She came back a minute later and said "she (the midwife) said to push" uhh ok. i was sitting up on the bed, where did she think the baby was going to go??!

Another minute passed before the midwife came back into the room and she realised that I really was ready to push! they adjusted the bed, she and Ant lifted my legs and she told me to push as soon as I felt a contraction start. the first contraction came, I pushed and the midwife said, with more excitement than I expected, "you're doing really well, I can already see the head!"

Next Contraction came and she said she could see him trying to cry! I looked at Ant and he had a look on his face that I will never forget, he looked up and said "you're doing great!" I thought they were just being encouraging, while I sat there and wondered when the pain was going to start.

Contraction number three, I pushed and he came right out! much to the amazement of everyone in the room, including myself! I didn't experience any pain during the delivery!

I couldnt believe that I only pushed 3 times! Our perfect boy was born at 7:37am!

Even though the labour was so bad (I had back contractions which don't mix well with a spinal injury) I pushed through, with the help and encouragement of my amazing hubby and mother in law. The actual birth was a piece of cake! It didn't hurt one bit and I loved that I could him come out! The look on Anthony's face as he watched and encouraged me through the birth was incredible. 

6lbs 15oz and 19.5 inches long!

We had gone in there, with a list of 3 names: Spencer, Marshall or Gage and a set middle name: Alexander. we didn't want to name him until we saw him. Well, when I held him, I just wasn't feeling any of the names, in fact, the name that came to mind when I looked into his perfect face was one that Ant had mentioned in passing just a few days before: Lachlan. I told Ant, he smiled and agreed. so that was that, he had a name: Lachlan Alexander Mojica! 

I ended up with what they thought was 2 minor tears, which they stitched up, only to discover a more serious tear behind one they had stitched, so they had to cut me open and re stitch, which was worse than the birth! They had to check me hourly for the most part of the day and 2 hourly after that, even through the night. i wasn't allowed to get up even to pee for hours, to make sure I wouldn't need to go to the OR but luckily I only ended up with a smallish hematoma, the Dr was sure the outcome would be much worse! They told me the next morning that they wanted me to stay in at least another night and I started crying because my mum was arriving early in the morning the next day, so they said that if I strictly follow the care routine, could go home as soon as Lachlan was cleared, which was that afternoon! 

Lachie's first time in the car!

All in all, it was an amazing experience, I would do it natural all over again! Our boy is perfect and we are so madly in love with him!

I'm back!

Well, it's been about a million years since I last posted! I guess life just got busy with a NEW BABY and all!!! It's crazy how different life seems with this little munchkin! 

Lachlan Alexander Mojica was born on February 22nd, and we have been consumed by love, cuteness and and poopie diapers ever since! 

Who are the Mojos?

Every blog needs an introductory post, and seeing as my first post was more of a whinge about not being able to sleep, I figured I should make another post. oh and I didn't end up falling asleep until after 8am, only to be woken up at 8:30 by Rumble, who wanted to go play with Kasey.

I'm going to TRY and condense the story of how we got where we are today as much as possible, but I cant promise you that this wont be a long post. I'll post pictures to make it less boring.

First let me introduce myself:

I am Mrs. Mojo AKA Meghan/Megs/Megzy, whatever you prefer to call me.
I was born in Australia, in a town called Geelong, just near Melbourne, but spent most of my life in Melbs.
I moved to the USA last October, about 3 weeks before I married the love of my life. we lived in Florida for about 2 months, then moved to Nashville, Tennessee for a year, because Ant had found a school there that he was going to go to (he didn't in the end) and so he could return to the job he had over the summer while we were engaged, for a pest control company. actually, the day we moved back here to FL, we realised that it was exactly a year to the day since we moved there. weird, huh?
The past 6 years or so I have been blonde for the most part like in the above picture, but about a month ago, I decided to go for a change, so now I look more like this:

This good lookin' man is my wonderful husband, Anthony, AKA Mr. Mojo. (how on earth did I get so darn lucky??!)

Don't let that clean cut look fool you though, he did spend a good chunk of the year looking a LOT hairier, like this:

(let's hope he doesn't see that I posted this photo haha)
You might have already guessed, being that we live here, that Anthony is American, or a septic tank, as my Mum would say. He is originally from NY, moved to NJ when he was young, then to FL just after High school.
The first thing that most people get to know about Ant is that he likes video games. A lot. A real lot. In fact, he is a gaming genius (compared to me at least). He can start playing any game, regardless of the console or computer it's on, and within a few minutes, he is kicking butt. He's been accused in shooter games of modding his controllers, which, if you know Ant, he hasn't, he likes to keep all his eletronics and games in absolutely perfect condition. I like to tease him that I'm going to scratch them, just to get a reaction.
Anyway, I am super proud of him, because starting in 2012, he will be working hard towards his dream of actually making games. He has been accepted into Full Sail University to study Game Development. hence the move back to Florida.

So you might be wondering how we met, considering we grew up on opposite sides of the world? well this is how:

A few years ago, Ant left his life in Florida to serve a full time mission for our church. He was called to serve in... you guessed it... Melbourne, Australia!
I was just investigating the church when we met, and was baptized not too long after, on July 12 2008.
We didn't date as soon as we met, for a few reasons: Anthony was still a missionary (missionaries absolutely can't date!) and I thought he was a total dork (see above photo) but by the time he returned to his normal life in Florida, we realised we couldn't live without each other. I visited him a couple times over the next year and a bit, and we did the (very) long distance thing in between. Then in March 2010, Ant decided it was time to make our relationship permanent and asked me to marry him!

Because our families are on opposite sides of the world, we got to have TWO weddings! the first was in Australia on October 16th 2010 at a beautiful old homestead just outside Geelong.

the second, and legal wedding was just 3 weeks later on November 5th 2010 in the Orlando, Florida temple, where we were blessed to be able to get married, not only for this life, but for all eternity too.

You might have guessed that our church is very important to us, considering He dedicated 2 whole years solely to sharing the gospel. It's not just some story that we believe and a place to go on Sundays. It's our life. we believe with everything that is in us that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the true church of Jesus Christ on the earth today. I'm not trying to get all preachy in my blog post, but to truly know us, you need to know that we believe in the Lord with all our hearts and minds. I personally have a very strong testimony of the gospel. I know the church is true, I know the bible and the book of Mormon are the truth and I know that my Heavenly Father loves me.

So now you know how we met and got married, you know why we moved to Tennessee and why we moved back here to Sunny Florida. What about the year in between?

Well it's been a crazy year, we made new friends, Ant met back up with some old ones. He worked at Applebees and Walgreens while he waited for his pest control job to start back up.
This is him in his technician uniform

Ant started to get sick in about March, it was really bad for a couple months, and after a bunch of doctors visits and tests, all we have is a couple of theories, no diagnosis.
He turned 24 in May and because it was the first time we had been in the same country for his birthday, I decided to throw him a surprise party! I thought for sure that he had figured it out, but he was genuinely surprised! I wish I had a picture of his face, but I don't, so instead, here's the awesome rubik's cube cake I made him.

as you can tell, I'm no professional, but i think i did a fairly good job considering it was my first time decorating a cake. And it was super yummy, so that's a bonus!

Then in June, it was my turn to turn 24. I had wanted a puppy since we moved to Nashville, but Ant kept saying no, so i was super surprised when, for my birthday, he said we could go look at puppies! We met quite a few cute little pups, but it wasn't until we stopped at this one place and we saw this little guy that fell in love!

I mean, how could you not fall in love with that face? He is a Shar Pei/Pitt Bull mix and he is just the sweetest little fur baby in the world.
It didn't take us long to come up with the perfect name: RUMBLE! (stolen from one of Ant's favourite video games, surprise surprise!)
he looks more like this now though:

We were so happy with our little family, but of course, it's when you least expect it that Heavenly Father decides to surprise you! only 5 days after bringing Rumble into our family, we found out this little munchkin (AKA baby mojo) was growing inside me!!

Now that Ant was finally starting to feel a little better, I started to get sick. really really sick. but its ok, because I get to show off this awesome baby bump!

here is a more recent picture

turns out baby mojo is a little camera shy and wouldn't show us his/her face in the ultrasound, so if you cant make it out, that is his/her hand holding his/her little foot! cute, huh?!
(in case you're wondering, we're keeping the gender a secret!)

A couple months into the pregnancy, we realised just how much we needed to be near family and Ant decided on the school in Orlando, and that brings us to where we are today.

Of course, a lot more happened than that, but I just realised how long this post is, so I'll save the little stories for future posts (if i remember, my preggo brain forgets everything these days!)

so now I'm going to vacuum and fold that laundry that I said I was going to do in my last post.. oops!

Wide awake.

It's 5am and what am I doing? Sleeping? No. Starting a blog. Yep. Completely normal.
I've been in bed since 10pm but haven't managed to get to sleep yet. It's my first night alone since getting married over a year ago and I can't seem to get to sleep.
Why am I alone, you might ask?
We just moved back to Florida from Nashville, Tennessee this month. We loaded up our little car with all our valuables (for me that means my iPad, laptop, knitting looms, everything hair related and of course our fur baby, Rumble. For Ant that means our tv, computers, video games and basically anything electronic) and drove the 11hours to his parents place here in sunny Florida. But obviously we couldn't fit everything we own in our little Mitsubishi galant, so Anthony and his parents drove back to Nashville today (well technically it was yesterday, I guess?) to get everything we left behind. I would have gone too, but being 31 weeks pregnant, they didn't think it was a good idea for me to be traveling that far and back in 2 days, especially when I can't carry boxes and according to my in laws, shouldn't be cleaning (what will they do when I start nesting?)
I thought I'd be able to fall asleep when Anthony called to say goodnight, my eyelids started to feel real heavy, but then I had to pee. Twice.
Now I'm wider awake than I have been all day.
Part of me wants to get up and fold that basket full of clothes I washed earlier, but then again, Rumble is so cute all snuggled up next to me, if I wake him, he'll want to go play with Kasey (my in laws' dog) hmm. No, the laundry can wait until tomorrow. Or today? when the sun comes up.
But for now, I'm going to squeeze my eyes shut and try to sleep. Maybe.
Goodnight. (or morning??!)

Wish this face was next to me right now.

But at least I have my fur baby to snuggle.